|
The topic of conversation the other day at work between Ray and I, via the e-mails, of course, was self esteem. We were talking generally about his self esteem, which he goes into great detail about here. However, our conversation, which was somewhat brought about by our recent attempts at relationships with women, also got me to thinking about the state of my self esteem, and what role that might have to play in my current romantic situation. (Which happens to be totally boring.)
So, how is my self esteem? Okay, I think. Reading Ray's entry, it sounds like he's got it all figured out. We'll probably talk about this in some detail tomorrow night when we get dinner at the Outback. (Oh, yes, life is good...) However, I don't really know what to make of how things are going for me. I'm pretty much totally confused.
From a self esteem standpoint, I really think I'm fine. I think I have a bit of a realistic outlook on what I'm like. Not the smartest one in the world, but certainly not the dumbest. Not the most phsyically attractive guy in the world, but certainly not ugly. I'm a caring individual, with a decent sense of humor, who can hold up his end of a conversation, who can support himself, is in decent shape mentally and physically, and isn't totally awful in bed. (...and if anyone out there disagrees with that last bit, I don't want to hear about it. :) I'm also a bit eccentric, I guess, for lack of a better term. I'm really passionate about my interests, more so than most folks are, and I think that might be scary to some folks till they realize I'm not actually insane or anything.
I'm aware of some of my other bad qualities too, (though there are likely some I don't even notice, even when I think about it) but I thought self esteem was all about talking about good qualities, so I'm going to leave them out for now. I guess, on some level, I don't think my bad qualities are any worse than many other people's bad qualities.
I also feel, picking up on a thread that Ray mentioned, that I generally act like myself. I don't think I put on too too much of an act with people. Sometimes I'm totally joking around, and not being serious at all...i'm sure at those moments folks aren't really getting to know me at all. (Like today at work when I was talking about how little I liked walking to high school in the winter when I was wearing a dress.) Most of the time, though, I think I'm mostly being my own goofy self.
With that in mind, and admitting the fact that we've as a group probably been dwelling on this too much lately, the thing I have a tough time reconciling is if I'm the decent, kind of fun to be around individual I think I am, why on earth has dating been such an absolute impossibility for the past two damn years? Ever since I moved to MA, I've had very little luck forming any sort of serious emotionally intimate relationship with a woman. I've made a great many friends, many of whom I'm close with, and many of whom I'll likely speak to for a long time to come. However, in the dating arena it's been one failed attempt after another.
On some level, I'm alright with that because I do have so many wonderful friends, and right now I'm having, hands down, the most wonderful musical experience of my life. These things mean an awful lot to me, and they're very emotionally satisfying. Something is missing, though, and I've noticed it being missing for the past year and a half or so.
It kind of leaves me thinking that one of three things is true. One, I'm correct in my self assessment, and women just aren't looking for folks like me. Two, I'm off base in my self assessment, and women are not attracted to me for any one of those things that I don't realize. or Three, I simply have not met very many cool women.
I want to believe like Fox Mulder that it's choice three.
|
