Out of a fun conversation with Jen...

File under funny and yet occasionally appropriate albums to listen to whilst gettin' your bed grooves on: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy.

...but, uh, it was, er, never actually appropriate in my case. Yeah...

-Brian : 1:26 AM

Wow. The IMDB has decided to start popping up advertising boxes. That fucking blows.

-Brian : 11:57 PM

Kind of funny that Ray would write this, since I went grocery shopping tonight, and the mere fact that I would have a big old bowl of fruit salad to eat when I got home had me feeling giddy with anticipation.

Also to be filed under "giddy with anticipation" are my feelings regarding these recordings we're working on in the band. We started working on some keyboard tracks today, and they're sounding spectacular. This keyboard we got to borrow from a guy at work is superb...

Other than that, not much new. I felt a bit worse yesterday than I had on Tuesday. However, today I'm feeling quite a bit better. Yay, brain chemistry good days.

Ray and I are going to treat ourselves tomorrow evening to a screening of none other than The Excellent Adventure, possibly followed by nothing less than The Bogus Journey.

Station.

-Brian : 11:55 PM

Another thing that motivated me into writing what I wrote a few minutes ago is that I've been running headlong into this feeling of loneliness from time to time lately. It seems to crop up at times when I have prolonged periods of time to myself, and it passes quickly once I have contact with any other human being whose company or communication with I enjoy. I've been trying to figure out what's been causing that occasional feeling, so I can address it and make it go away. :)

For example, it cropped up at the end of this past weekend. Saturday I spent all day with our drummer from the band, working on recordings. Then, I went to CT to visit a couple of friends, since they were putting on this show I was really curious about. I had a wonderful day and evening, and met a bunch of really fun, interesting, and very real people. I then woke up on Sunday and went to visit my old roommate and his girlfriend. We spent the afternoon together, having fun, talking lots, and eating steak and cheese fries. After such a great weekend, you'd think I'd be riding way high, but when I got home that evening, I was at a low ebb, and I felt very lonely.

The thought has crossed my mind that it's perhaps just related to the whole not being involved with any women in the long term for a couple of years bit. I wonder if that's just a cop out for me to make though, and not really the root cause. Maybe it's just that there are women out there that I think are cool, but they're involved. I don't think really that's the cause, though, since I'm not really pining (at the moment, the night is young... :-P) for any of them, I just think they're kind of neat. ...kind of like the situation would be worth exploring if we could, but we can't, and that's okay. Also, this loneliness came on before I met any of them. So, I don't think that's the cause. Another thing to note is that this feeling is a new one for me, as of the last, say, six months. So, it's not something that's been a problem for a number of years, or anything.

Therefore, I don't know what the hell it is, if it's not just missing being in a relationship, and being loved in that way, in general. If that is the cause, however, it concerns me a bit because it's no good to base your happiness on if you're involved romantically with someone at the moment. For a relationship to work, and be healthy, you've got to be healthy yourself. Of course, I feel psychologically healthy, except for this loneliness thing! It's a big dang circle!!

Whatever, I've lost the capacity for rational thought. :) I'm going to bed.

-Brian : 1:16 AM

Happy December. It's been 60 to 70 degrees here in MA. That's messed up.

The human brain, or at least the one I have, has a remarkable tendency to lose sight of the bigger picture sometimes. In this case, I'm thinking specifically about the fact that the days that pass now really will never come again, and that it'd likely be best for me to not take them for granted, and squander opportunities to do things that are important to me.

The thought crossed my mind a few minutes ago, while I was working on a new song, that in less than a month I'll hit the midpoint of my 20s. Surely, this is an arbitrary marking point, but nevertheless, it got me to thinking about what I've accomplished, and what I've failed to accomplish up to this point in my life. More importantly, it made me wonder about what I want to accomplish in the future.

It's been easy enough for me to get a grip on what I've done, what I've gotten under my belt. They're some important things, to be sure. It's been equally easy for me to see where I have not quite measured up to the tasks at hand, and those times have been plentiful as well. (Though not useless...I've learned from many of my mistakes.) However, the question of what I want to now accomplish with the years I have is a question I just don't have a good answer for.

I've wondered about this before, and I'm sure I'm not the first. Contentment has been, thus far, the single most fleeting emotion I've ever felt. It seems to go as quickly as it comes, and sometimes it feels like a drug that not only is addictive, but is in very short supply. Contentment is an elusive beast to hunt. Sadly, I don't know how good of a marksman I am, either. In fact, I'm not even sure if I'm shooting at the right targets! Contentment is, though, what we all truly want to possess. How to find it may be different for every single human being on the planet, but by definition, contentment is what we seek.

Do I find it through my art; through expressing myself creatively? Do I find it through my work? ...I don't think so, but you never know. Do I find it through a relationship with a woman? ...a love where we stand the test of time, and have children that we will teach, and from whom, perhaps someday learn? Do I find it through my relationships with close friends, through the bonds that have stood the test of time for years, and many more years to come?

...or do I find it simply through myself? Through some combination of those things above, and perhaps a million other different nuggets of truth. When faced with so many choices, and so little time, how do you know what to really focus on? That is what I simply do not know.

-Brian : 12:49 AM