When I was younger, I used to spend a great deal of time creating various forms of art. Mostly drawing and sketching, but sometimes painting, or model making. In school, I'd work on all sorts of different projects. I was a bit of an art geek. I'd get so into my projects, that when I was finally done with something, I would feel a great sense of accomplishment.

This wasn't a foreign sensation. All along the way I'd felt it in my various classes as I learned something new. Going way back to elementary school, as I moved up from grade to grade. In early high school, as I began to demonstrate some bits of athletic talent, which was new for me. In later years of high school, and throughout college, as I began to relax, meet, and get to know the people who would feel like family to me for the next phase of my life, and likely for a long time to come. While I was in school in Binghamton, where I learned that I didn't know everything, and also truly fell in love for the first time. And then, just as I was graduating school, when I got the chance to perform music for people (however badly, at least back then...) for the first time.

Although they all brought on that sense of accomplishment in different ways, they all did make me feel that way. Kind of made me feel like I was doing something positive with my time. Lately, however, that feeling has been utterly vacant from my life.

Almost all of these things that I used to do have been replaced with pretty much just one thing. Work. Where I go and work for a company that makes products that kill people, and do what people tell me, all while I try to keep a low profile, 'cause I've found that's caught me less heat from the managers I work for that are single minded ass clowns.

This isn't very satisfying to me. I do like the programming and logic side of the work. So, I guess I like the work itself. But, at the end of the day, when I finish the section of the project I've been working on, I feel no satisfaction. We just finished the first phase of our project, in fact. On time, and under budget, which I hear is a good thing. However, this means absolutely nothing to me.

I'm not sure why this is, but I'm certain that school was far more satisfying to me than this job has been. So, that's kinda beat.

Also, my life is currently lacking just about any sense of romance. Much like the spoon that's all in the mind of Keanu, whatever love life I have right now is indeed all in my head.

The band I'd been in for the past 7 months wasn't working out, artistically, so I've left to try something new.

I miss my friends.

So, as I sit here around the end of the year, just before my birthday, I'm kind of tempted to look back on what I've accomplished over these nearly 24 years. In my current state of mind, I'm real tempted to say nearly nothing. I think I'm smart enough to realize that isn't totally true, but I feel that way nevertheless.

It's just that I feel like I have all these things I don't really need. Stereo systems and TVs and computers and DVDs and all this stuff that's really great, I suppose. I go out to dinner and spend a billion dollars on this that and the other thing.

I sort of feel like I live my own little consumer oriented, hedonistic, bloated lifestyle. A lifestyle where I go to work to support myself so I can do and buy all these meaningless things that didn't feel quite so meaningless before.

...

I sort of took a break there, and I've kind of lost my writing momentum. I think I want to stop the insanity that is flowing from my fingers, and catch my breath.

There's no question that work sucks. I don't like making army products, even if the one in particular I make doesn't blow anything up. Sure, better our army than Saddam's, but still. Let other smart people make army shit.

The band thing ain't bad. I tried something, joined a band, it didn't work. That's how these things go. I'll try again. My new roommate plays drums, and we have a friend that plays bass that's moving out here in June. We're gonna rock.

Being able to go out and buy CDs, DVDs, and meaningless crap isn't my problem. Having money to go buy stuff certainly is no direct ticket to happiness, but this isn't the root of what has me upset lately. In fact, it's been neat that for the first time in a long time I've had money to buy people neat-o christmas gifts. I'll also be glad to have some cashola when my car finally gives in to entropy and explodes into a fiery ball of nastiness. So, this is not a bad thing.

I've been thinking about this shit all night. Longer than that, actually. It's been coming up in my alone thoughts all the time. I've written a billion journal entries just like this, and deleted them all because I sound like a whiny jerk who doesn't know how good he has it.

For the first time, though, writing all that was actually somewhat cathartic, and I feel like I have a little insight into what I'm feeling. Other than work, which I already mentioned, I think it's two things, really.

First, I think I just miss hanging around with close friends all the time. I miss the emotional connections, the long conversations, the mindless goofiness, and the great times I've had doing absolutely nothing in the past. Doing nothing has never been so satisfying. I used to get to enjoy this 4 to 6 months a year, now it's just a weekend here or there.

Second, along the same line of emotional connections, I miss being involved with someone. I miss the intimacy.

Actually, maybe that's it -- maybe both issues are really one and the same. Maybe what I'm truly missing is intimacy. Whether it's with close, old friends, or with a girlfriend. Deep, interesting conversations about anything and nights where you're up till you see the dawn. I don't do as much of that these days as I used to. And now that I think about it, I've kind of been searching around for that kind of emotional connection lately, perhaps subconsciously.

I always feel like I have to wrap up a journal entry and give it some sort of ending, when I really don't think that way. In my brain, I've had this pseudo-conclusion, so I feel better and that's good. But here I feel like I have wrap it up or something.

Well, work'll resolve itself. I won't be here forever. In fact, I'll be surprised if I work there for another year.

As for the lack of intimacy in my life...well, I'm not sure what to do about that. I think I'll make an effort to talk more to the friends that live around me, both new and old. Also, maybe I'll try to visit home more this year, especially over the summer when more of my friends are home, as well. Finally, maybe I'll try be a more pro active about meeting new people around here, and attempting to date. That'll be hard though, 'cause I'm a little shy and self conscious around people I don't know, when it comes to striking up conversations.

Ooooh! I know what else to do. I'll really enjoy myself over the christmas / new years work break, when I get to see a lot of my friends and family. Hopefully I'll find an adept way to let them know how much I care about them and miss them, while not looking like a mushy bloated sack.

And that, I think, is is a good ending.