I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I'm a computer programmer for a living. Fresh out of school, I've been cracking away at it for about almost a year now, and so I'm kind of at the moment where I'm trying to take stock after Year One and see what I think of it.

A state of the union address between The Man and myself, so to speak.

The more I think about it, the more confused I get, though. One the one hand, I feel quite lucky to have gotten the job I have. It's a reasonable deal, and it sure beats some jobs out there. For example, it sure as hell beats being a roofer, construction guy, local french fry engineer, or jizz-mopper. But, there are some serious downsides, as well.

I think there is one serious downside to programming as a career (though there are many upsides, to be honest) and a wide variety of downsides for programming for the company I work for (heretofore called The Man) on the project I'm on.

The major downside for programming as a career is the fact that it can be somewhat solitary sometimes. As much as I like coding -- and I really DO like coding, along with the logic problems it can present -- it's pretty rare for me to enjoy ANYTHING except sleeping for more than 40 - 50 hours a week. No, you usually don't code all the time, but sometimes I do wish there were more interactions with people involved.

As for the problems working for The Man, and with the project I'm on, they all pretty much all boil down to office politics. If things don't improve, I can change projects, or change jobs -- that's not a big deal, since the market is strong for programmers.

So, with that said, I'm pretty much left with the question from the top: "What should I do with my professional life?"

My answer is an uninformed "I dunno."

Now, if we're talking fantasy-land here, I'd go for musician, hands down. I don't even feel the burning need to be Dave Gilmour, or Pete Townshend, or some other musical legend. Simply making a solid living working in the arts I think would satisfy me a great deal. But, this is not a realistic concept for me -- the odds are far too poor for me to want to take that risk, especially since I do like programming, as well as some other career options -- I just don't LOVE them like I do making music.

Getting back to realistic choices, I can only really think of two. Teaching, and Programming. I don't think I'm nearly so limited, but I honestly can't think of other options given the Math degree I have and the fact that I'm not interested in getting a masters degree in Math. So, at the moment, between the two, I choose programming.

Sometimes that just ain't satisfying, though. So I'm left wondering what I really need to do to make myself feel a little more satisfied. Perhaps it's the slightly sub-par work environment I'm in, but maybe it's not work related at all -- maybe it's in my head, maybe I'm just a whiny bitch, or maybe I just need to get more nookie than I get. I'm not sure.

But, I do know that I don't quite feel fulfilled with what I do for a living at the moment. The single minded 'just follow orders' type bullshit, the office politics, and the expectations of my immediate management for me to pretty much decide that their project is the top 'action item' on my life's fucking 'priority list' is all pretty damn ludicrous.

Yes, you're right, I seem to have a problem with authority.

Yes, as you might have guessed, I did really like Fight Club.

Since pummeling my closest friends doesn't look like the best answer, however, perhaps I'll just stick with this job for a while longer and see where it goes. Maybe the office situation will get better. The project itself -- the actual design and engineering work -- is pretty damn cool. On top of it all, my immediate coworkers are really great guys.

So, I think I'm just going to shut the fuck up for now, and quit whining about all of this garbage. If the project doesn't improve, I'll get on a new project, or move along to another job.

However, the management reserves the right to bitch more about work at a later date.